Identity In Christ

This last week I had let my doubts take over.  All my worries and weaknesses took over, and my willingness towards everything was shot.  The strange part was, no particular event caused it.  Nothing horrible happened, I just woke up one morning with a feeling of misery.  I prayed that morning.  But it took me forever to get to the point where I could, I felt so blocked, which only frustrated me further.  I had no want or desire to hang out with my friends, read my bible, go to church, or do anything.  Through those four days, I also had no desire to see my Scotland Team. And most of all, I did not want to go to Africa.  Which is completely not me at all.  None of those things are.  I have had my struggles and spiritual warfare since I returned from Scotland, but nothing like this.  I felt so unneeded, and hopeless.  And I had no justification for these emotions at all.  I continued to pray and read my bible with much struggle and emotional pain.  I did not understand why out of know where I felt like my relationship with God had disappeared.  As it got harder and harder, I began to slowly let go, and let myself "go through the motions." I began having selfish, judgemental thoughts.  I began to further question Africa, my future, my friends, my beliefs.  I sat down again, in tears and tried praying once more.  As I began talking to God, (It felt more like I was talking to a giant brick wall that was separating me from him.),  I began to realize that everything I was doubting and everything that I had no desire for, was related to Jesus.  Then, it finally hit me, I was being attacked.  My Scotland mission trip leader Kristen had told me this a few days earlier, but honestly, I pushed it aside.  I did not want to admit that I was being spiritually attacked.  I did not want to admit a flaw in my relationship with God.  Over the past four days I had turned into my old self, I had become fake again.  I only admitted to a few people the way I was feeling, but with everyone else, I acted completely normal.  I had a sort of weird flash back moment, and remember sitting with Kristen and Connie at training camp.  We were talking about my walk, among other things.  And I remember how they helped me to call out unwanted spirits and get rid of them. I remember how they told me that God had given us that authority, to call out the wanted spirits and make them flee.  I want about to go forward with this, but then stopped, remembering how much doing this had hurt me last time.  Calling out our flaws is not an easy thing to do.  At that moment, Kristen texted me, I don't remember what the text said, but it was not the content that was important, it was that she had texted me.  At the exact moment I was about to give up on something she had taught me.  So, I sucked it up and began to call out the spirits, the spirit of doubts that was making me question everything, the spirit of lies, which was making my believe that I was worthless and hopeless.  I was filled with tears.  I began to pray again, longing for the connection I once felt.  It was there.  I was having a conversation with God again, I knew he was hearing me.  (He obviously had been all along, but the devil had instilled the idea in me that I was not his child.)  Lies.  I was in tears.  And then I found myself wondering "Why did I even let myself question my father?"   I have no doubt in who I am.  I am Gods child, and I am beautifully and wonderfully made in his image.  And so are you.  However, I am still searching for my identity in Christ, I am still learning and growing, but I know that I am on the right track.  I know where I'm heading, and I'm so excited for the journey he is taking me on!

God of This City

Recently I have been praying a lot for Kenya.  I have been praying for patience on the timing and when I should leave.  But through this, I still wanted to leave as soon as possible. I felt so out of place in America, and I know my heart if out on the mission field and I am ready to go join it! 
Last night two of my closest friends Zoe and Julie spent the night.  These two amazing girls have also had the call of missions placed on their hearts.  Last night we were driving around, we had left Pet Co and were driving through the parking lot, and going to go rent a movie and head back to my house.  While driving through the parking lot we saw a homeless women sitting against the wall of a store.  Our hearts immediately went out to her and we all decided to go across the street to walmart and buy her some basic needs.  The excitement rose as we bought huge water bottles and other basic needs, including a bible.   We then sat in my car for a good 15 minutes and prayed for guidance and for the Lord to give us the words to say.
After we had prayed and were feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit, we headed across the road back to the women.  As we approached her, she seemed cautious, but she started to open up to us a little.  We gave her the items, and she seemed truly grateful for them.  Julie then asked if we could pray for her, she said yes!  Then Julie continued on and asked if there was anything specific she would like us to pray for.  She simply said a house, and went on to explain that she hadn't had one for a very long time.  The three of us nodded and sat down with her ready to pray.  Julie then asked her for her name, and the women told us that she did not give out her name.  Julie nodded and  sweetly said "Ok, well we will go ahead and pray for you then."    Suddenly out of know where the women seemed like a completely different person.  "I don't want you to pray for me.  Stop playing your stupid games.  Go back to your car and leave me alone."  I felt immediately unsafe, like the devil had officially entered the area and was influencing this women.  I even felt like she might pull out a dagger and stab us or something, the tension was that thick.  Not wanting to upset her further we stood up.  "We will leave this with you."  Julie said, handing her the bible we had bought.  "I don't want it, that is a natural resource and you do not have the right to be carrying that around!  Now, go back to your car and leave me be!"  Completely shocked and heartbroken by her reaction, we went back to my car, taking the bible with us.  We drove in almost complete silence, and then decided to pull over into a parking lot and pray.  When we pulled over, Zoe and Julie confirmed the feelings of darkness and an evil spirit the minute we were about to pray for this women.  So we simply prayed for her. 
Over the course of the night and this morning, we came to the conclusion that maybe this was preparation for the mission field, because when we are on the field we are not always going to be accepted and received well.  
Also, when I was driving home from dropping Zoe off this morning, the song "God of this City" started playing, and one section in particular caught my attention and opened my eyes. 

"You’re the Light in this darkness
You’re the Hope to the hopeless
You’re the Peace to the restless
You are
For greater things have yet to come


And greater things are still to be done in this City
Greater thing have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City"

When I heard these worlds I realized why Julie, Zoe and I are still here and not off in county.  We are still here because God has greater plans for Houston, and He is not done using us here yet.  He is the light, the hope and the peace!  And I feel like he wants us here at the moment so that he can use us in his glory to show these things.  He isn't through with us yet!

The Chance to be Courageous.

I sat down this evening to put the finishing touches on my application for my desired DTS in Kenya.  For those of you who are not familiar with a DTS, it stands for Discipleship Training School..  This program is run by an organization YWAM (Youth with a Mission).  As soon as I began to flip through the pages of the application, questions began racing through my mind, questions like "Am I actually ready for this?"  "Could I handle this?"  "I'm to young to even make a difference!"  "Can I leave the comfort of America for an entire six months?" "What if I get Malaria?"  "Is this really what God wants for me?" And it ended with "Maybe I should just go to college and forget this."   
After working myself up for about fifteen minutes, I put the application down and started searching college websites.  At this point I was completely stressed out, worried and doubting not only myself, but God.  After about 30 minutes of researching colleges, I shut the computer screen and began to pray. I mainly prayed for courage.  The Lord then put the verse 2 Timmothy 1:7 on my heart.  So I flipped through my bible and read it.  "For God did not give us a spirit a timidity, but a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline." 2 Tim 1:7 
I then began to see that I let Satin get a foothold in my heart, he put doubting thoughts in my head, and the saddest part was that I let him.  I let him manipulate my thoughts.  After praying some more, I started picking up my room a little bit, and found a sticky note my mom had written out for me a week or so back, and on it was written 2 Timmothy 1:7.

I then began to think more about this verse, how He gives us a spirit of power, love and self discipline.  And I also for some reason began to question the way that I pray.  I was praying for courage, but realized that I should be praying to the Lord for the chance to be courageous!  And if you think about it, he gives us that chance every single day, its up to us if we embrace it or not. He is giving me that chance to go to Kenya, the chance to leave everything I know behind to serve him on the mission field. It is his plan for me, and of that I am sure.  However, he isn't forcing me to do anything.  

He is giving me the chance to be courageous in his name.