Stubbornness is officially not an option anymore.

It takes no time at all for me to shut down and close my heart when I hear words that I don't wish to hear.  It takes me a matter of seconds to push everything else out of the way in order for me to achieve what I feel is right.  Yesterday I finally accepted the plain and simple fact.  This is not ok.  The past few months I have opened my heart up more than I ever thought possible.  I thought this was enough.  Again, I was wrong.  I have been seeking Gods guidance, but at the same time, I am blocking out the unwanted advice.  I do not just have this battle with God, but with other people.  I have had many experiences where I have damaged my relationships with others because I am not willing to listen and take their advice, even when I ask for it, and even when I know they are right. 
The fact that I struggled with this situation had never really occurred to me.  It was something I always pushed out and refused to address, thinking that I was better off on my own.  Wrong again.  In Scotland, one of the many valuable things I learned is that I am not in this alone.  None of us are.  We are all a part of the body of Christ.  We are called to be his hands and feet.  And how is this possible alone?  Its not. Not at all.  During the Scotland trip I began to put my stubbornness aside (very very very slowly....)  and began to open up and share my heart with my team.  And for a while, I was headed in a good direction.  But when I got back home, I turned around and started walking the other way. 
During my devotional yesterday I began praying for God to show me anything he had to teach me. Anything at all!  After sitting in silence for a while, I finally opened my bible.  It flipped right open to

Hosea 4:16
"The Israelites are stubborn, like a stubborn heifer. How then can the LORD pasture them like lambs in a meadow? " 
At first this confused me, I was not really sure what to think, so I put my finger in a random page, flipped and tried again.
Isaiah 46:12"Listen to me, you stubborn-hearted, you who are far from righteousness."
At this point, I began to understand.  And I asked God what he wanted me to do about it.

1 Peter 5:6

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you."

Oh Great.... were my initial thoughts.  So I prayed some more, I prayed for him to give my the chance to me flexible, to accept things other people are telling me, and mostly, to accept what he is telling me. 

 

Taking A Different Path.

This past month has been a huge step for me.  I am finally fully re-entering my reality after the Scotland Mission Trip.  I have been praying a lot recently, for God to strengthen my weaknesses and for him to use my strengths.  I have been praying this for about three weeks now, causing the past three weeks to be one of the most challenging and emotionally difficult weeks of my life.  None the less, they have been amazing weeks.  Through this time period, I also prayed for guidance and direction.  My heart was yearning for Africa.  He however, had other plans.  As I prayed for guidance I suddenly felt like I was moving in the wrong direction.  So I continued to pray, and before I knew it, a college had fallen into my lap from out of know where.  I was upset.  I knew what I was being told and I did not like it, at all.  So I began to pray again and found myself sitting there arguing with God. (Never a good thing to do, He is always right in the end...)  I asked him why I had a caution in my heart about Africa, he had put the passion to go to Africa in my heart!  And now he was pulling me somewhere else!  He awnsered "If I told you to get on a plane to Africa this very moment, leaving everything behind, would you?"  "Yes!"  I answered!  "Are you willing to sacrifice your team to me?"  "Huh?"  I questioned.  I even sat there and thought about it.  What does he mean by sacrifice and what does he mean by team? So I asked him.  "That's not what I asked you."  "I need a Yes."  "If I'm asking you a question, there needs to be no hesitation.  You answered yes to me when it was something you wanted, and you hesitated and asked questions when it was something you didn't want. Therefore, you are not ready for Africa, not yet."  I sat there in complete silence for at least twenty minutes.  Wow. 
So, for the time being, I am still in constant prayer over college and over the path God wants me to take. And its funny how before I had no desire for college, and now that I have opened myself up to him and begun to listen, he has made it the desire of my heart to peruse my missions degree.