If everyone relys on others to take action, nothing will ever be acomplished.

Being seventeen and only months away from graduating high school, I have been asked several times what my plans for the future are.  I have been struggling with that decision for a while now.  After coming home from my Scotland mission trip this past summer., I wanted to go straight into mission work. I began to desire to help people in need, love those who feel unlovable, and share the love of Christ with them.   I had shoved the idea of college to the back of my mind thinking, Well, I can spend thousands of dollars going to college, or I can spend it going to other countries and doing work that I am passionate about.  I prayed for a while about the decision of my future.  And I was confused, because every time I asked him if I could go to Africa right after high school, I heard a firm "Not yet."  I argued about it too, God, if you give us the desires of our heart if they are pure and good and in your name, why cant I go?  I kept hearing, "Not yet."  Frustrated I gave up for a few days and began to mope.  We all have those moments in our lives where we question God, and this was one of them for me.  He had given me this calling in Scotland, one I had to adjust to, and was not to fond of at first.  And now that I had gotten comfortable with it he was going to tell me to wait?  Uh oh.  There it was.  I had gotten comfortable.  I prayed once more, asking God to reveal his plan for me, in his own time.  And that no matter what it was, I would be obedient.  Not even an week later I was on the Internet looking at random colleges.  I was trying to keep an open mind, but honestly I did not like any of these colleges.  Don't get me wrong, most of them were pretty, and had fantastic majors but nothing caught my eye.  Until I stumbled across a school called Gardner-Webb University, a small Christian School with fantastic majors and activities.  For the first time, I actually was interested.  I continued to look around the website and decided to send them my general information and possibly start applying.  It wasn't until after I had done that, that I figured out that I had no idea where it was.  Sad right?  So I looked, Boiling Springs, North Carolina.  I was not to keen on the idea of the cold at first, but just like the call to be a missionary, this quickly grew on me.  A few months later, I got my acceptance letter,  went to visit Garder-Webb and made the final decision to go!  And I am completely happy and confident about my decision.  Ever since I was accepted everyone began to ask me about my major.  After more prayer I made the decision to be a double major in Mission Studies and Sociology, with a minor in World Religion.  So as of now, this is the plan, unless God steers me in a different direction.  But I feel confident that I am heading down the right path.  Wanting to be a Missions Major in college, has led a lot of people to ask me why.  I struggled with answering this question for a while, not because I did not know the answer, but because it is hard to put into world the overwhelming passion the Lord has given me.  I logged onto facebook earlier today, and read a statas posted by the organization Living Water.

"More people in the world have cell phones than access to a toilet."
Wow.  Having access to a toilet is not something I think about daily. So I did some research and found some other surprising facts.

• "22,000 children die each day due to poverty. And they “die quietly in some of the poorest villages on earth, far removed from the scrutiny and the conscience of the world."
• "At least 80% of humanity lives on less than $10 a day."

• "Nearly a billion people entered the 21st century unable to read a book or sign their names."

• Some 1.1 billion people in developing countries have inadequate access to water, and 2.6 billion lack basic sanitation.

• Almost two in three people lacking access to clean water survive on less than $2 a day, with one in three living on less than $1 a day.

For the 1.9 billion children from the developing world, there are:

·         640 million without adequate shelter (1 in 3)

·         400 million with no access to safe water (1 in 5)

·         270 million with no access to health services (1 in 7)

• 15 million children orphaned due to HIV/AIDS (similar to the total children population in Germany or United Kingdom)"

• In developing countries some 2.5 billion people are forced to rely on biomass—fuelwood, charcoal and animal dung—to meet their energy needs for cooking. In sub-Saharan Africa, over 80 percent of the population depends on traditional biomass for cooking, as do over half of the populations of India and China.

When I read all of these statistics, my first reaction was why and how?  Why did I go through life daily and not realize the amazing blessings God has given me?  Why do others have to live like this?  And then I asked myself, what am I doing to help them? How can I make a difference?   I did not put these statics up here to make anyone feel bad.  It’s the truth.  This is what is going on in the world around us, and most of us including myself, fail to notice. This is why I want to be a missionary.  I want to make a difference.  I want to take the blessings the Lord has given me and share them with others.  And I firmly believe that the Lord has placed this on my heart for a reason. I realize that the Lord has not called everyone to overseas missions, he calls everyone in different ways. But I firmly believe that this is mine.   He has also steered me to college so that I can become better educated in the world around me, and more stable and prepared.  And now I am content, not comfortable, but content.  

"And Jesus came and spoke unto them, saying, All power is given unto me in heaven and in earth. Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: I am with you always, even unto the end of the world."  Matthew 28:18-20

I was not made to be normal....

I was made for so much more than that. 

I know I have not posted in a while.  The past few months have been a spiritual roller coaster for me.  I was on such a "spiritual high"  after Scotland.  But after being back a while, I let the things of this world get to me, and started falling again.  It was not until I visited a friend, that I realized that I had gotten off track. She asked me a simple question "Do you want to be normal?"  My instinctive response to this would have been yes, but judging by her face, I went with no.  And she went on to explain to me that she views the typical Sunday christian as a "normal" Christian.  Someone who talks about God on Sundays, but when Monday rolls around He is shoved in the back of their heads.  The impact of my actions finally hit me, and I came to the realization that I was becoming "normal" again.  I was heading down that road, and I needed to turn around.  I prayed that weekend, more than I had prayed in a while.  And I don't want to be normal.  I want to be that person, that's heart is so sunk into the Lord, that anyone has to find Him, to find me.  I want to be the women that strives to admit my mistakes and work hard to change.  I want to be that women that has a healthy fear of the lord.  The women that will stop at nothing to stand up for what I believe in and will pray and love in all situations. And I after thinking about all of this for days, a voice popped into my head saying "Whats stopping you?"  And I discovered, the only thing stopping me, was me.  So, that moment, I stopped saying I want, and started saying, I am becoming.  Walking with Christ takes a lot of time, effort, patience, willingness, and love.  I can do it.  I just can not do it alone.  And the beauty of that is, I am never alone.

Stubbornness is officially not an option anymore.

It takes no time at all for me to shut down and close my heart when I hear words that I don't wish to hear.  It takes me a matter of seconds to push everything else out of the way in order for me to achieve what I feel is right.  Yesterday I finally accepted the plain and simple fact.  This is not ok.  The past few months I have opened my heart up more than I ever thought possible.  I thought this was enough.  Again, I was wrong.  I have been seeking Gods guidance, but at the same time, I am blocking out the unwanted advice.  I do not just have this battle with God, but with other people.  I have had many experiences where I have damaged my relationships with others because I am not willing to listen and take their advice, even when I ask for it, and even when I know they are right. 
The fact that I struggled with this situation had never really occurred to me.  It was something I always pushed out and refused to address, thinking that I was better off on my own.  Wrong again.  In Scotland, one of the many valuable things I learned is that I am not in this alone.  None of us are.  We are all a part of the body of Christ.  We are called to be his hands and feet.  And how is this possible alone?  Its not. Not at all.  During the Scotland trip I began to put my stubbornness aside (very very very slowly....)  and began to open up and share my heart with my team.  And for a while, I was headed in a good direction.  But when I got back home, I turned around and started walking the other way. 
During my devotional yesterday I began praying for God to show me anything he had to teach me. Anything at all!  After sitting in silence for a while, I finally opened my bible.  It flipped right open to

Hosea 4:16
"The Israelites are stubborn, like a stubborn heifer. How then can the LORD pasture them like lambs in a meadow? " 
At first this confused me, I was not really sure what to think, so I put my finger in a random page, flipped and tried again.
Isaiah 46:12"Listen to me, you stubborn-hearted, you who are far from righteousness."
At this point, I began to understand.  And I asked God what he wanted me to do about it.

1 Peter 5:6

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you."

Oh Great.... were my initial thoughts.  So I prayed some more, I prayed for him to give my the chance to me flexible, to accept things other people are telling me, and mostly, to accept what he is telling me. 

 

Taking A Different Path.

This past month has been a huge step for me.  I am finally fully re-entering my reality after the Scotland Mission Trip.  I have been praying a lot recently, for God to strengthen my weaknesses and for him to use my strengths.  I have been praying this for about three weeks now, causing the past three weeks to be one of the most challenging and emotionally difficult weeks of my life.  None the less, they have been amazing weeks.  Through this time period, I also prayed for guidance and direction.  My heart was yearning for Africa.  He however, had other plans.  As I prayed for guidance I suddenly felt like I was moving in the wrong direction.  So I continued to pray, and before I knew it, a college had fallen into my lap from out of know where.  I was upset.  I knew what I was being told and I did not like it, at all.  So I began to pray again and found myself sitting there arguing with God. (Never a good thing to do, He is always right in the end...)  I asked him why I had a caution in my heart about Africa, he had put the passion to go to Africa in my heart!  And now he was pulling me somewhere else!  He awnsered "If I told you to get on a plane to Africa this very moment, leaving everything behind, would you?"  "Yes!"  I answered!  "Are you willing to sacrifice your team to me?"  "Huh?"  I questioned.  I even sat there and thought about it.  What does he mean by sacrifice and what does he mean by team? So I asked him.  "That's not what I asked you."  "I need a Yes."  "If I'm asking you a question, there needs to be no hesitation.  You answered yes to me when it was something you wanted, and you hesitated and asked questions when it was something you didn't want. Therefore, you are not ready for Africa, not yet."  I sat there in complete silence for at least twenty minutes.  Wow. 
So, for the time being, I am still in constant prayer over college and over the path God wants me to take. And its funny how before I had no desire for college, and now that I have opened myself up to him and begun to listen, he has made it the desire of my heart to peruse my missions degree.

Identity In Christ

This last week I had let my doubts take over.  All my worries and weaknesses took over, and my willingness towards everything was shot.  The strange part was, no particular event caused it.  Nothing horrible happened, I just woke up one morning with a feeling of misery.  I prayed that morning.  But it took me forever to get to the point where I could, I felt so blocked, which only frustrated me further.  I had no want or desire to hang out with my friends, read my bible, go to church, or do anything.  Through those four days, I also had no desire to see my Scotland Team. And most of all, I did not want to go to Africa.  Which is completely not me at all.  None of those things are.  I have had my struggles and spiritual warfare since I returned from Scotland, but nothing like this.  I felt so unneeded, and hopeless.  And I had no justification for these emotions at all.  I continued to pray and read my bible with much struggle and emotional pain.  I did not understand why out of know where I felt like my relationship with God had disappeared.  As it got harder and harder, I began to slowly let go, and let myself "go through the motions." I began having selfish, judgemental thoughts.  I began to further question Africa, my future, my friends, my beliefs.  I sat down again, in tears and tried praying once more.  As I began talking to God, (It felt more like I was talking to a giant brick wall that was separating me from him.),  I began to realize that everything I was doubting and everything that I had no desire for, was related to Jesus.  Then, it finally hit me, I was being attacked.  My Scotland mission trip leader Kristen had told me this a few days earlier, but honestly, I pushed it aside.  I did not want to admit that I was being spiritually attacked.  I did not want to admit a flaw in my relationship with God.  Over the past four days I had turned into my old self, I had become fake again.  I only admitted to a few people the way I was feeling, but with everyone else, I acted completely normal.  I had a sort of weird flash back moment, and remember sitting with Kristen and Connie at training camp.  We were talking about my walk, among other things.  And I remember how they helped me to call out unwanted spirits and get rid of them. I remember how they told me that God had given us that authority, to call out the wanted spirits and make them flee.  I want about to go forward with this, but then stopped, remembering how much doing this had hurt me last time.  Calling out our flaws is not an easy thing to do.  At that moment, Kristen texted me, I don't remember what the text said, but it was not the content that was important, it was that she had texted me.  At the exact moment I was about to give up on something she had taught me.  So, I sucked it up and began to call out the spirits, the spirit of doubts that was making me question everything, the spirit of lies, which was making my believe that I was worthless and hopeless.  I was filled with tears.  I began to pray again, longing for the connection I once felt.  It was there.  I was having a conversation with God again, I knew he was hearing me.  (He obviously had been all along, but the devil had instilled the idea in me that I was not his child.)  Lies.  I was in tears.  And then I found myself wondering "Why did I even let myself question my father?"   I have no doubt in who I am.  I am Gods child, and I am beautifully and wonderfully made in his image.  And so are you.  However, I am still searching for my identity in Christ, I am still learning and growing, but I know that I am on the right track.  I know where I'm heading, and I'm so excited for the journey he is taking me on!

God of This City

Recently I have been praying a lot for Kenya.  I have been praying for patience on the timing and when I should leave.  But through this, I still wanted to leave as soon as possible. I felt so out of place in America, and I know my heart if out on the mission field and I am ready to go join it! 
Last night two of my closest friends Zoe and Julie spent the night.  These two amazing girls have also had the call of missions placed on their hearts.  Last night we were driving around, we had left Pet Co and were driving through the parking lot, and going to go rent a movie and head back to my house.  While driving through the parking lot we saw a homeless women sitting against the wall of a store.  Our hearts immediately went out to her and we all decided to go across the street to walmart and buy her some basic needs.  The excitement rose as we bought huge water bottles and other basic needs, including a bible.   We then sat in my car for a good 15 minutes and prayed for guidance and for the Lord to give us the words to say.
After we had prayed and were feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit, we headed across the road back to the women.  As we approached her, she seemed cautious, but she started to open up to us a little.  We gave her the items, and she seemed truly grateful for them.  Julie then asked if we could pray for her, she said yes!  Then Julie continued on and asked if there was anything specific she would like us to pray for.  She simply said a house, and went on to explain that she hadn't had one for a very long time.  The three of us nodded and sat down with her ready to pray.  Julie then asked her for her name, and the women told us that she did not give out her name.  Julie nodded and  sweetly said "Ok, well we will go ahead and pray for you then."    Suddenly out of know where the women seemed like a completely different person.  "I don't want you to pray for me.  Stop playing your stupid games.  Go back to your car and leave me alone."  I felt immediately unsafe, like the devil had officially entered the area and was influencing this women.  I even felt like she might pull out a dagger and stab us or something, the tension was that thick.  Not wanting to upset her further we stood up.  "We will leave this with you."  Julie said, handing her the bible we had bought.  "I don't want it, that is a natural resource and you do not have the right to be carrying that around!  Now, go back to your car and leave me be!"  Completely shocked and heartbroken by her reaction, we went back to my car, taking the bible with us.  We drove in almost complete silence, and then decided to pull over into a parking lot and pray.  When we pulled over, Zoe and Julie confirmed the feelings of darkness and an evil spirit the minute we were about to pray for this women.  So we simply prayed for her. 
Over the course of the night and this morning, we came to the conclusion that maybe this was preparation for the mission field, because when we are on the field we are not always going to be accepted and received well.  
Also, when I was driving home from dropping Zoe off this morning, the song "God of this City" started playing, and one section in particular caught my attention and opened my eyes. 

"You’re the Light in this darkness
You’re the Hope to the hopeless
You’re the Peace to the restless
You are
For greater things have yet to come


And greater things are still to be done in this City
Greater thing have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City"

When I heard these worlds I realized why Julie, Zoe and I are still here and not off in county.  We are still here because God has greater plans for Houston, and He is not done using us here yet.  He is the light, the hope and the peace!  And I feel like he wants us here at the moment so that he can use us in his glory to show these things.  He isn't through with us yet!

The Chance to be Courageous.

I sat down this evening to put the finishing touches on my application for my desired DTS in Kenya.  For those of you who are not familiar with a DTS, it stands for Discipleship Training School..  This program is run by an organization YWAM (Youth with a Mission).  As soon as I began to flip through the pages of the application, questions began racing through my mind, questions like "Am I actually ready for this?"  "Could I handle this?"  "I'm to young to even make a difference!"  "Can I leave the comfort of America for an entire six months?" "What if I get Malaria?"  "Is this really what God wants for me?" And it ended with "Maybe I should just go to college and forget this."   
After working myself up for about fifteen minutes, I put the application down and started searching college websites.  At this point I was completely stressed out, worried and doubting not only myself, but God.  After about 30 minutes of researching colleges, I shut the computer screen and began to pray. I mainly prayed for courage.  The Lord then put the verse 2 Timmothy 1:7 on my heart.  So I flipped through my bible and read it.  "For God did not give us a spirit a timidity, but a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline." 2 Tim 1:7 
I then began to see that I let Satin get a foothold in my heart, he put doubting thoughts in my head, and the saddest part was that I let him.  I let him manipulate my thoughts.  After praying some more, I started picking up my room a little bit, and found a sticky note my mom had written out for me a week or so back, and on it was written 2 Timmothy 1:7.

I then began to think more about this verse, how He gives us a spirit of power, love and self discipline.  And I also for some reason began to question the way that I pray.  I was praying for courage, but realized that I should be praying to the Lord for the chance to be courageous!  And if you think about it, he gives us that chance every single day, its up to us if we embrace it or not. He is giving me that chance to go to Kenya, the chance to leave everything I know behind to serve him on the mission field. It is his plan for me, and of that I am sure.  However, he isn't forcing me to do anything.  

He is giving me the chance to be courageous in his name.