Identity In Christ

This last week I had let my doubts take over.  All my worries and weaknesses took over, and my willingness towards everything was shot.  The strange part was, no particular event caused it.  Nothing horrible happened, I just woke up one morning with a feeling of misery.  I prayed that morning.  But it took me forever to get to the point where I could, I felt so blocked, which only frustrated me further.  I had no want or desire to hang out with my friends, read my bible, go to church, or do anything.  Through those four days, I also had no desire to see my Scotland Team. And most of all, I did not want to go to Africa.  Which is completely not me at all.  None of those things are.  I have had my struggles and spiritual warfare since I returned from Scotland, but nothing like this.  I felt so unneeded, and hopeless.  And I had no justification for these emotions at all.  I continued to pray and read my bible with much struggle and emotional pain.  I did not understand why out of know where I felt like my relationship with God had disappeared.  As it got harder and harder, I began to slowly let go, and let myself "go through the motions." I began having selfish, judgemental thoughts.  I began to further question Africa, my future, my friends, my beliefs.  I sat down again, in tears and tried praying once more.  As I began talking to God, (It felt more like I was talking to a giant brick wall that was separating me from him.),  I began to realize that everything I was doubting and everything that I had no desire for, was related to Jesus.  Then, it finally hit me, I was being attacked.  My Scotland mission trip leader Kristen had told me this a few days earlier, but honestly, I pushed it aside.  I did not want to admit that I was being spiritually attacked.  I did not want to admit a flaw in my relationship with God.  Over the past four days I had turned into my old self, I had become fake again.  I only admitted to a few people the way I was feeling, but with everyone else, I acted completely normal.  I had a sort of weird flash back moment, and remember sitting with Kristen and Connie at training camp.  We were talking about my walk, among other things.  And I remember how they helped me to call out unwanted spirits and get rid of them. I remember how they told me that God had given us that authority, to call out the wanted spirits and make them flee.  I want about to go forward with this, but then stopped, remembering how much doing this had hurt me last time.  Calling out our flaws is not an easy thing to do.  At that moment, Kristen texted me, I don't remember what the text said, but it was not the content that was important, it was that she had texted me.  At the exact moment I was about to give up on something she had taught me.  So, I sucked it up and began to call out the spirits, the spirit of doubts that was making me question everything, the spirit of lies, which was making my believe that I was worthless and hopeless.  I was filled with tears.  I began to pray again, longing for the connection I once felt.  It was there.  I was having a conversation with God again, I knew he was hearing me.  (He obviously had been all along, but the devil had instilled the idea in me that I was not his child.)  Lies.  I was in tears.  And then I found myself wondering "Why did I even let myself question my father?"   I have no doubt in who I am.  I am Gods child, and I am beautifully and wonderfully made in his image.  And so are you.  However, I am still searching for my identity in Christ, I am still learning and growing, but I know that I am on the right track.  I know where I'm heading, and I'm so excited for the journey he is taking me on!